It pays to get drunk with the best people.
I would take a bomb, but I can't stand the noise.
I drink to forget I drink.
I don't drink any more than the man next to me, and the man next to me is Dean Martin.
A man is never drunk if he can lay on the floor without holding on.
I always wake up at the crack of ice.
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster.
Category: Food And Eating
Show me a friend in need and I'll show you a pest.
Category: Friends And Friendship
I've been on such a losing streak that if I had been around I would have taken General Custer and given points.
You only live once -- but if you work it right, once is enough.
Category: Life And Living
Show me a man with both feet on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants on.
They had me on the operating table all day. They looked into my stomach, my gall bladder, they examined everything inside of me. Know what they decided? I need glasses.
I'm still chasing girls. I don't remember what for, but I'm still chasing them.
I don't like money actually, but it quiets the nerves.