1. Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
2. Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
3. Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
4. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
5. Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.
6. Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. [Lady Astor to Winston Churchill] 7. Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. [His reply]
8. If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. [David Daye]
9. Work is the curse of the drinking classes. [Oscar Wilde]
10. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. [Henny Youngman]
11. Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
12. I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. [Tom Waits]
13. hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
14. Beer is good food.
15. You don't like jail? Naw, they got the wrong kind of bars in there. [Charles Bukowski]
16. If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. [Deep Thought, Jack Handy]
17. It's better to have beer in hand than gas in tank.
18. Life is too short to drink cheap beer.
19. Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore.
20. Beer: Nature's laxative.
21. Beer. If you can't taste it, why bother!
22. One more drink and I'd be under the host. [Dorothy Parker]
23. All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking Barry Manilow. [Dave Barry]
24. When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. [Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry]
25. Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. [Dave Barry's Bad Habits, Dave Barry]
26. Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. [Dave Barry]
27. My problem with most athletic challenges is training. I'm lazy and find that workouts cut into my drinking time. [A Wolverine is Eating My Leg]
28. The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. [Humphrey Bogart]
29. Friends don't let friends drink Light Beer.
30. If nothing beats a Bud, given the choice, I'd take the nothing...
31. Draft beer, not people!
32. Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot. Don't put anything in your beer that a pig wouldn't eat. [David Geary]
33. Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. [David Moulton]
34. A drink a day keeps the shrink away. [Edward Abbey]
35. People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. [Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI]
36. Put it back in the horse! [H. Allen Smith, an American humorist in the '30s-'50s, after he drank his first American beer at a bar.]